It is Friday. I am going to tell my thesis adviser about my decision. I am not completing my thesis. I am moving on. Doubtless she will harangue me. I do not know if I can handle it. But I do not really want to continue with my thesis anymore. Whatever the reason I am to give, I feel that she will not understand it. Or she might feign understanding and attack me. Thus, I feel afraid. But I am trying to be courageous and not think of what might happen later afternoon. Can I control it? Will she be kinder if I think too much?
I must get through this day because I will leave for the North again this evening. This time it will be Abra and Apayao, two provinces in the Cordillera region. I really do not know what to expect. I must charge my batteries.
I just hope for the best, and for God's mercy. Lord have mercy!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Expecto Patronum
I am feeling kind of down tonight. Well, I am about to make a life-changing decision. The feelings of guilt and loss of self-worth that my thesis adviser inculcated in me are making this decision more difficult. My aunt is not helping: she actually takes my thesis adviser's side and thinks that I am just lazy and complaining. In fact, I am working my back off.
One colleague recently reminded me, not without spite, to comply with the rules regarding thesis students regarding staying overnight in the lab. She implied that I should not stay up late in the lab (unless she or her fellow research personnel were there). I understand that she was merely trying to tell me. I do not think she knows of my life-changing decision, because I have kept it from others and merely consulted the important people for this decision. However, as a former research personnel, I took it in a not-so-good way. I felt that I was being degraded to the status of a subject from my former status of a citizen. This added to my melancholy over my life-changing decision.
I have had thoughts of suicide in my mind:
I seem to be on the borderline of clinical depression and normalcy. However, I improved a bit when I read the Wikipedia articles on these topics. I don't know why. Am I even subliminally denying that I am depressed? Or I really read these articles and think, "No, I'm not THAT sick." Maybe I am relieved that it is explained to me, so that I don't delude myself into more and more pessimism and negativity.
I am a multi-sinner, but even then I pray that God might be by my side. In a world which has proven itself to be utterly utilitarian, cold and unfeeling, I cannot trust anyone to pick me up in the way I should be picked up. Even if only God is by my side, I know I can face the world and my problems. But He has to be there and I have to sense it. I do not know when this dark cloud of hopelessness will lift, but I hope it will come soon.
One colleague recently reminded me, not without spite, to comply with the rules regarding thesis students regarding staying overnight in the lab. She implied that I should not stay up late in the lab (unless she or her fellow research personnel were there). I understand that she was merely trying to tell me. I do not think she knows of my life-changing decision, because I have kept it from others and merely consulted the important people for this decision. However, as a former research personnel, I took it in a not-so-good way. I felt that I was being degraded to the status of a subject from my former status of a citizen. This added to my melancholy over my life-changing decision.
I have had thoughts of suicide in my mind:
- Squirting drops of potassium cyanide in my mouth. We have this in our laboratory.
- Hanging from the second floor of our institute's museum.
- Being run over.
- Being killed by criminals on an obscure, dimly-lit road.
- Being maimed by a stray bullet.
I seem to be on the borderline of clinical depression and normalcy. However, I improved a bit when I read the Wikipedia articles on these topics. I don't know why. Am I even subliminally denying that I am depressed? Or I really read these articles and think, "No, I'm not THAT sick." Maybe I am relieved that it is explained to me, so that I don't delude myself into more and more pessimism and negativity.
I am a multi-sinner, but even then I pray that God might be by my side. In a world which has proven itself to be utterly utilitarian, cold and unfeeling, I cannot trust anyone to pick me up in the way I should be picked up. Even if only God is by my side, I know I can face the world and my problems. But He has to be there and I have to sense it. I do not know when this dark cloud of hopelessness will lift, but I hope it will come soon.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
United Nations Day
I always remember what day the United Nations was founded. It's a day before my birthday. But what I associate with United Nations Day is the school activity in which kids paint or draw flags, mount them on barbecue sticks and parade them. I saw one of my kid bros' assignments involving UN Day, and I read something about flags, the symbols of the flags, the meaning of the colors. I don't know what to say.
Of course, a discussion about the UN, its branches and its organizations might be too heavy for fourth- or fifth-grade students, so I can't blame teachers for making their students parade with flags (and national costumes). I guess the UN Day 'festival' has turned into an 'international culture day' in the Philippines, at least in the schools.
But it has been 66 years after the UN Charter came into effect, 20 years since the end of communism, and 10 years since the 9/11/11 disaster. For the world at large, today is a celebration of how the world has preserved global absence of war (not "world peace", since wars happened in every corner of the world, from Korea and Vietnam to Georgia and Somalia, not to mention the international War on Terror and its sisters the Iraq War and the Afghanistan War). No matter how many times the world has come close to again splitting into two halves, one smiting the other, it has been prevented by the grouping of all the nations of the world to provide a diplomatic venue for talks. Although, during the Cuban Missile Crisis, the action was somewhat unilateral or bilateral, it was not mediated by the UN.
The UN provided the guiding principles for the age for all member countries. The Universal Declaration of Human Rights (1948), the Conventions on the Status of Refugees (1954), on Elimination of All Forms of Racial Discrimination (1969), on Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination Against Women (1981), on the Rights of the Child (1990), and the Millennium Development Goals (2000), have been the mainstream standard for societies in UN member-nations. Of course, the more cynical among us might say that it is a US puppet, it being housed in New York City, but the UN and the declarations it has sponsored have made the world far different today that it was in 1933, when Adolf Hitler came to power in Germany.
Of course, there is also the Security Council. I once thought of the Security Council as the "military of the UN", but it turns out it was much more than that. The Security Council is the power-play stage of the world. The five permanent members represented the entire spectrum of political organizations of member states:
the Soviet Union, alone a dictatorial communist state;
the Republic of China, alone a dictatorial capitalist state;
France, alone a democratic socialist state;
the United States, alone a democratic capitalist state;
and the United Kingdom, alone a democratic constitutional monarchy.
Over time, the Republic of China was replaced with the People's Republic of China, a dictatorial communist state like the Soviet Union, with opposing interests to it. But it was not to remain 'communist' for long. In 1979 Deng Xiaoping took over. The PRC soon became alone a dictatorial capitalist state (with communist facade). In any case, the balance meant that if there was a conflict anywhere in the world, the Left and the Right would both have a say about it.
After communism expired in 1991, the seat of the Soviet Union went to the Russian Federation, a semi-dictatorial capitalist state. Nowadays, the division between permanent members is between interventionist (USA, UK) and isolationist (Russia, China) countries.The continental members of the EU pursue similar foreign-policy ideals, so France has its own grouping around it. This became clear with the Libyan Revolution, with Italy, and then France, supporting the NTC, while Britain simply fulfilled their no-fly zone obligations (as EU member state) and then hushed up.
Today is a good day to reflect upon the relevance of the UN in today's society. The world has grown ever closer, the people are rising up against capitalists in ways that the communists never did, using methods the communists never used. Israel and Palestine are still demanding to be heard respectively with regard to their conflict, almost as old as the UN itself. The Arab Spring has resulted in democratic governments, or general chaos, along the Maghreb and the Middle East. Countries like India, Brazil, and South Africa are manifesting their new political, economic, and cultural power. How will the UN deal with these events?
Of course, a discussion about the UN, its branches and its organizations might be too heavy for fourth- or fifth-grade students, so I can't blame teachers for making their students parade with flags (and national costumes). I guess the UN Day 'festival' has turned into an 'international culture day' in the Philippines, at least in the schools.
But it has been 66 years after the UN Charter came into effect, 20 years since the end of communism, and 10 years since the 9/11/11 disaster. For the world at large, today is a celebration of how the world has preserved global absence of war (not "world peace", since wars happened in every corner of the world, from Korea and Vietnam to Georgia and Somalia, not to mention the international War on Terror and its sisters the Iraq War and the Afghanistan War). No matter how many times the world has come close to again splitting into two halves, one smiting the other, it has been prevented by the grouping of all the nations of the world to provide a diplomatic venue for talks. Although, during the Cuban Missile Crisis, the action was somewhat unilateral or bilateral, it was not mediated by the UN.
The UN provided the guiding principles for the age for all member countries. The Universal Declaration of Human Rights (1948), the Conventions on the Status of Refugees (1954), on Elimination of All Forms of Racial Discrimination (1969), on Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination Against Women (1981), on the Rights of the Child (1990), and the Millennium Development Goals (2000), have been the mainstream standard for societies in UN member-nations. Of course, the more cynical among us might say that it is a US puppet, it being housed in New York City, but the UN and the declarations it has sponsored have made the world far different today that it was in 1933, when Adolf Hitler came to power in Germany.
Of course, there is also the Security Council. I once thought of the Security Council as the "military of the UN", but it turns out it was much more than that. The Security Council is the power-play stage of the world. The five permanent members represented the entire spectrum of political organizations of member states:
the Soviet Union, alone a dictatorial communist state;
the Republic of China, alone a dictatorial capitalist state;
France, alone a democratic socialist state;
the United States, alone a democratic capitalist state;
and the United Kingdom, alone a democratic constitutional monarchy.
Over time, the Republic of China was replaced with the People's Republic of China, a dictatorial communist state like the Soviet Union, with opposing interests to it. But it was not to remain 'communist' for long. In 1979 Deng Xiaoping took over. The PRC soon became alone a dictatorial capitalist state (with communist facade). In any case, the balance meant that if there was a conflict anywhere in the world, the Left and the Right would both have a say about it.
After communism expired in 1991, the seat of the Soviet Union went to the Russian Federation, a semi-dictatorial capitalist state. Nowadays, the division between permanent members is between interventionist (USA, UK) and isolationist (Russia, China) countries.The continental members of the EU pursue similar foreign-policy ideals, so France has its own grouping around it. This became clear with the Libyan Revolution, with Italy, and then France, supporting the NTC, while Britain simply fulfilled their no-fly zone obligations (as EU member state) and then hushed up.
Today is a good day to reflect upon the relevance of the UN in today's society. The world has grown ever closer, the people are rising up against capitalists in ways that the communists never did, using methods the communists never used. Israel and Palestine are still demanding to be heard respectively with regard to their conflict, almost as old as the UN itself. The Arab Spring has resulted in democratic governments, or general chaos, along the Maghreb and the Middle East. Countries like India, Brazil, and South Africa are manifesting their new political, economic, and cultural power. How will the UN deal with these events?
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Sekder Ka Tan Dayew Mi, 3
LINGAYEN
Lingayen is known for being the birthplace of "Tabako", or Fidel V. Ramos, the 12th Philippine President. It's also known in world history for being one of the landing spots of the Japanese during their conquest of the Philippines, and then for being one of the landing spots of the Americans when they returned to liberate the Islands.
The Pangasinan provincial website says that this town was named because of what people used to do when they passed a very large tamarind tree, to look back at their town: lingawen. Of course, this is way classier than "Pa, good food" for Pagudpud, but I don't know. I haven't seen the tamarind tree.
Tamarind tree or no tamarind tree, I soon found out that there were two faces of Lingayen.
THE AMERICAN NORTH
This is arranged in a very rectilinear pattern, and I guessed (correctly, it turns out) that it was an American creation. I'm not good in styles and periods, but this park felt different from parks in Manila or elsewhere, and not just because of the lack of people. The capitol is, as most people involved with Philippine heritage will tell you, is from the American period. It was built in 1919, a rather imposing structure.
When I came, there were airplanes flying over the park every 15 minutes. This is because Lingayen also has an airport, and that's about just a kilometer away from here. No 747s, thank goodness, just Cessnas and other small planes. It's not considered a domestic airport: no major domestic airline flies to it.
By the way, I suspect that there are rather few people in the park - because the majority of plaza goers would rather hang out at the beach!
Yes, the beach. I mean, Lingayen beach is just behind the Capitol. It's public, it's wide, and it's free. Of course, you must watch your valuables yourself. Unlike most beaches we've been to through the years, you won't see anything if you look far out. The nearest land mass of any size may well be the Paracel Islands. So I find it kinda surreal.
I did swim in the cool water, taking in the unreality of it all. A beach wide, as far as the eye can see. Just sand and water all around. And in the horizon, no islands, just the water and the sky. It was really hard for me to leave the place, but I had to. I shouldn't spend all day on a beach, though... I could on this one...
THE SPANISH SOUTH
Being the novice backpacker, I managed to rinse myself by hose outside the public restroom, partially dry my clothes and towel, and set out again, this time for the town center. It costs Php 15 to get to the munisipyo from the Capitol Plaza by trike. When I did get out of the trike, I saw this:
The plaza, it turns out, was holding a bazaar. There is a Roman Catholic cemetery which I have not gone to, but it may be old. One of my friends just pointed this out to me. But I did go to the church.
One of the reasons I like visiting churches is because they are repositories of the local language. In a Philippine Republic which tries to impose Filipino (Tagalog) on all its peoples, the churches are nearly the only places where you get to find things written in the local languages. Especially here in Pangasinan, where, although the Provincial Government is launching a campaign to preserve the Pangasinan language, people use Tagalog very, very often. And youths are beginning to learn Tagalog and use it instead of Pangasinan.
One of the reasons people give for not teaching Pangasinan to their kids, or for not learning it themselves, is that it is hard to learn. Obviously, they haven't encountered studies (as well as most Filipinos, sadly) that say that the best method of teaching a language to a child is to speak it in front of them. There will be language mixing somewhere around 7 years, but these things tend to resolve themselves by early adolescence.
Although, I admit it, the Pangasinan language IS really hard for outsiders to learn (even the Ilocanos cannot understand them). The language is related to Nabaloi, the language of the Ibaloi people of Baguio and southern Benguet, and also to Kallahan, Keley-i, and Kayapa, all of which are spoken in the Cordillera Mountains and almost never heard of here in Manila.
Anyway, returning to the church, Ivan Henares has said something about the old convent having been demolished under the Archbishop's watch, to give way to the commercial complex. That's removing the Spanishness of this old town. On the other hand, he also captured with his lenses, among other things, the ancient casa real of Lingayen. That, says people I interviewed around the perimeter, was the old provincial hall of Pangasinan.
That done, I got on the bus and went to Binmaley, just 4 km away.
Lingayen is known for being the birthplace of "Tabako", or Fidel V. Ramos, the 12th Philippine President. It's also known in world history for being one of the landing spots of the Japanese during their conquest of the Philippines, and then for being one of the landing spots of the Americans when they returned to liberate the Islands.
The Pangasinan provincial website says that this town was named because of what people used to do when they passed a very large tamarind tree, to look back at their town: lingawen. Of course, this is way classier than "Pa, good food" for Pagudpud, but I don't know. I haven't seen the tamarind tree.
Tamarind tree or no tamarind tree, I soon found out that there were two faces of Lingayen.
THE AMERICAN NORTH
This is arranged in a very rectilinear pattern, and I guessed (correctly, it turns out) that it was an American creation. I'm not good in styles and periods, but this park felt different from parks in Manila or elsewhere, and not just because of the lack of people. The capitol is, as most people involved with Philippine heritage will tell you, is from the American period. It was built in 1919, a rather imposing structure.
 |
| The park. |
By the way, I suspect that there are rather few people in the park - because the majority of plaza goers would rather hang out at the beach!
 |
| The beach. This is where the Japs and the Yankees landed. It's just behind the Capitol complex. |
I did swim in the cool water, taking in the unreality of it all. A beach wide, as far as the eye can see. Just sand and water all around. And in the horizon, no islands, just the water and the sky. It was really hard for me to leave the place, but I had to. I shouldn't spend all day on a beach, though... I could on this one...
THE SPANISH SOUTH
Being the novice backpacker, I managed to rinse myself by hose outside the public restroom, partially dry my clothes and towel, and set out again, this time for the town center. It costs Php 15 to get to the munisipyo from the Capitol Plaza by trike. When I did get out of the trike, I saw this:
 |
| Lingayen town center on a Saturday, 10 am. |
 |
| Even if you were Ilocano, you will understand only 25% of the words written in the language above the English one. If you're Tagalog, don't think you can. |
One of the reasons people give for not teaching Pangasinan to their kids, or for not learning it themselves, is that it is hard to learn. Obviously, they haven't encountered studies (as well as most Filipinos, sadly) that say that the best method of teaching a language to a child is to speak it in front of them. There will be language mixing somewhere around 7 years, but these things tend to resolve themselves by early adolescence.
Although, I admit it, the Pangasinan language IS really hard for outsiders to learn (even the Ilocanos cannot understand them). The language is related to Nabaloi, the language of the Ibaloi people of Baguio and southern Benguet, and also to Kallahan, Keley-i, and Kayapa, all of which are spoken in the Cordillera Mountains and almost never heard of here in Manila.
 |
| The Lingayen casa real, October 15, 2011. Cf. Ivan Henares' photo on the link above. Even the walls are gone. |
I heard that they're planning to restore it. Exactly how, I dunno, because I saw virtually a skeleton of the old building. The partition walls and windows have been removed. In five years (Henares' account was written in 2006), it was reduced to nothing. They didn't spare the cartouche.
In any case, Homer Nievera also went here and captured, not only the church, but (we seem to have fun with it) the "Kampana Museum".
 |
| The Kampana Museum. It doubles as a resting place for tired drivers and travellers. Six bells for you, sire. |
These are really old bells. It's rather normal for a Spanish-era church to display one or more of its old bells near or at their parking lot. But this is somewhat grandiose for me. Six bells in a shed, with platforms. This must have been an important town, and it was.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Sekder Ka Tan Dayew Mi, 2
DAGUPAN CITY, PART I
I arrived in Dagupan City by 5:45 am, and wandered into the downtown by walking.
I arrived in Dagupan City by 5:45 am, and wandered into the downtown by walking.
 |
| Dagupan by early morning. |
I wanted eat local food, and abstain from Jollibees and other fast-food chains during the period, so I set to find out what pigar-pigar was. I did my research before getting there, but I forgot what exactly it was. So I asked a seller at one merchandise store along Galvan.
"It's beef; they sauté it with onions and sometimes with cabbage," came the reply.
Having a bad experience eating animal brains in Pagudpud town in Ilocos Norte (in a previous Ilocandia trip), I asked: "It's meat, right?" Implied in the question was another question: "No innards?" I think the seller got the implied question when she replied that yes, it was meat.
I then found a nearby pigar-pigar stall and sat down. The seller had informed me that these stands were a night event, so I wondered if they were still open. They were, and I found myself ordering (in a somewhat confused manner) 1/4 kilo of beef with cabbage and onions mixed.
 |
| Pigar-pigar. It looks good and tastes even better. |
Because I probably didn't sound from around here, the server took the liberty of serving me another Pangasinan dish: kaleskes.
 |
| Kaleskes, a soup. |
I ordered two cups of rice, and I couldn't finish the pigar-pigar even with that amount of rice! I suspected that kaleskes was made of innards, so I just drank it bottoms-up and did not linger with the taste.
All the fat I had just ingested was getting to me, as well as the lack of real sleep inside the bus. So I did not feel like exploring Dagupan at that time. Probably it would be better if I returned around 10 am or later, I thought. I decided to hit the Lingayen beach. That, of course, is in the next post.
Sekder Ka Tan Dayew Mi
INTRODUCTION
Pangasinan is this place in Northern Luzon between the Ilocandia and Pampanga. Of course, you have heard of it, because it's the place you pass by on the way to Baguio, the place where Manaoag of the Virgin Mary is, and where bangus is sold very cheaply, Dagupan being the Bangus Capital of the World.
But Pangasinan's dayew (glory) is that its people are the closest relatives of the Cordilleran tribes that have achieved economic and cultural success in the modern age. Ilocanos, while also Cordilleran in origin, are a league apart from the others. Pangasinan are much closer to the highlander Cordilleran tribes, and in fact very close to the Ibaloi of Benguet.
I took a trip to Pangasinan, targeting especially the oldest towns, those on the coast. I planned originally to start in Paniqui, Tarlac, one of the southernmost towns of old Pangasinan. But Dagupan was too easy to go to, and too tempting to start from. So I decided to get to Dagupan first, then use it as a base for my travels inside Pangasinan.
From the pictures I got on the Web, I figured that Dagupan looked somewhat like Naga City, built-up, busy, and yet still very much immersed in Pangasinan culture.
I have got to go. But of course I will continue my story about Pangasinan.
PS. The title is the first line of the Pangasinan provincial hymn, Luyag ko tan yaman (My land and my wealth). Lyrics are reproduced here.
Pangasinan is this place in Northern Luzon between the Ilocandia and Pampanga. Of course, you have heard of it, because it's the place you pass by on the way to Baguio, the place where Manaoag of the Virgin Mary is, and where bangus is sold very cheaply, Dagupan being the Bangus Capital of the World.
But Pangasinan's dayew (glory) is that its people are the closest relatives of the Cordilleran tribes that have achieved economic and cultural success in the modern age. Ilocanos, while also Cordilleran in origin, are a league apart from the others. Pangasinan are much closer to the highlander Cordilleran tribes, and in fact very close to the Ibaloi of Benguet.
I took a trip to Pangasinan, targeting especially the oldest towns, those on the coast. I planned originally to start in Paniqui, Tarlac, one of the southernmost towns of old Pangasinan. But Dagupan was too easy to go to, and too tempting to start from. So I decided to get to Dagupan first, then use it as a base for my travels inside Pangasinan.
From the pictures I got on the Web, I figured that Dagupan looked somewhat like Naga City, built-up, busy, and yet still very much immersed in Pangasinan culture.
I have got to go. But of course I will continue my story about Pangasinan.
PS. The title is the first line of the Pangasinan provincial hymn, Luyag ko tan yaman (My land and my wealth). Lyrics are reproduced here.
Sekder ka dan dayew mi
Pangasinan ya pinabli
Deen mo tan iyaliguwas
Piugagep ko lawas
Diad pusok Pangasinan
Agka nalingwanan
Luyag ko ya niyanakan
Peteg takan yaman
Matuwan aliguas mo natay anengneng la
Pasimbaloy ginmapo la
Say pankakasakey natay nalilikna
Lapud panamablid sika
Say dayat mo napnoy dakep tan say yaman
Sekder na kapalandeyan
Kareenan tan santing mo Pangasinan
Pablien tan lawas bantayan
Lawas takan intanduro Pangasinan
Aroen ka tan bayuboan
Panangampupom ya walan abangonan
Ikikinon kod siopa man
Pangasinan luyag mi tan yaman
Life as a wanderer
This is the first post in a (hopefully) long series of stories.
I gave up on Facebook a week ago. I realized I truly wanted a blog life, where total strangers view my posts and engage in spirited discussion with me.
I did my musings on my Facebook page, which I now deactivated. I just don't want people who are not interested in my writings to see these things, and judge me. I felt like I was spamming. So now, I am ready to type for the blogosphere, and be searched and liked due to my own merits, not just because someone was fed a copy of my article in their news feed.
Anyway, thanks for subscribing. Hope you find my suggestions helpful. :D
I gave up on Facebook a week ago. I realized I truly wanted a blog life, where total strangers view my posts and engage in spirited discussion with me.
I did my musings on my Facebook page, which I now deactivated. I just don't want people who are not interested in my writings to see these things, and judge me. I felt like I was spamming. So now, I am ready to type for the blogosphere, and be searched and liked due to my own merits, not just because someone was fed a copy of my article in their news feed.
Anyway, thanks for subscribing. Hope you find my suggestions helpful. :D
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)